Updated June 12, 2026 at 2:47 PM EDT
According to the National Institutes of Health, 9% of men and 11% of women of reproductive age in the U.S. have experienced fertility problems.
For those navigating infertility, it can take a profound toll on relationships, identity, and overall well-being, often in ways that go unspoken.
Here & Now鈥檚 Robin Young talks with Clay Brigance, PhD, LPC, who is helping couples navigate the invisible yet painful side of fertility struggles and pregnancy loss. Brigance is also the host of the 鈥淟ove and Infertility鈥� podcast.
5 questions with Clay Brigance
Tell us your story.
鈥淚鈥檝e had a lot of people ask 鈥榃hat is my story鈥�? Why is this guy specializing in the mental health aspects of infertility?鈥�
鈥淚t definitely goes back to our story starting in 2017, when getting pregnant, like for so many couples, didn鈥檛 happen the way that we had thought it would. I had always grown up thinking, 鈥業 want to be a dad, and I want to be a husband. That鈥檚 what I want to do with my life if I do nothing else.鈥� So whenever it didn鈥檛 happen the first month and the next month and the next month, and suddenly we were on this rollercoaster of pursuing IUI, IVF, and loss. It was quite the emotional rollercoaster.鈥�
May I ask what the problem was?
鈥淥ur issue for our fertility problems was actually male factor infertility. And I remember sitting in the waiting room and waiting for the nurse to come back to tell us about my sperm analysis. Because what so many of your listeners who have gone through infertility have probably experienced is this assumption that it鈥檚 the female partner that is carrying the fertility issues, but actually it鈥檚 very mixed.
鈥淪o my wife went through all this testing and everything and we kept hearing, 鈥楴o, no, you know, there鈥檚 nothing wrong there.鈥� So whenever the nurse came in and said, 鈥極h, actually, Clay, your sperm morphology is really not well.鈥� I can remember what the K-Cups look like in the corner. I can remember what my wife was wearing. I remember the perfume. I remember all of that. And on our way out, I was just looking at the ground, and my wife said, 鈥楢re you okay?鈥� And I said, 鈥楧on鈥檛 look at me.鈥� I said, 鈥楾his has been my fault the whole time.鈥� And I just felt so much shame, like so many folks, when they figure out that it was their issue that caused this problem.鈥�
How did you handle those emotions?
鈥淪o when that happened for us and for so many of the men who I see in therapy and for the men that I鈥檝e done research on, is that we try to rescue our partner out of their difficult emotions while also pushing our own emotions down.
鈥淚t鈥檚 almost like we鈥檙e trying to make up for the pain, we鈥檙e trying to make up for what we believe is our fault, when in reality it鈥檚 just the product of nature. This leads to this thing we call well-intended chivalry, which is well-intended, but it鈥檚 this idea that I need to push my emotions down so that I can support the emotions of my partner. And I鈥檓 going to be positive, even toxically so. I鈥檓 going to say things like, 鈥極h, well, there鈥檚 still hope.鈥� Or 鈥楢t least we could do this,鈥� or 鈥楢t least we could do that鈥�. And what I found in my research is that as well-intended as it is, it actually drives couples apart.鈥�
What should people say to a couple struggling with infertility?
鈥淚 get this question a lot from my therapy clients, 鈥楬ow do I help my support system know what to say or what not to say?鈥� And that can be so difficult for those of us who are going through the grief to also have to educate those around us. But it鈥檚 also not something that we鈥檙e really equipped for, you know, because if somebody dies in a car accident, tragically, what are we saying? 鈥楽o sorry for your loss.鈥�
People give what we call well-meaning advice, you know, so they might say things like, you know, 鈥楬ave you tried relaxing during sex?鈥� It鈥檚 because we intellectualize the pain, because the grief is so visceral and it鈥檚 so disenfranchised that we intellectualize it, and that鈥檚 more comfortable. We got all kinds of advice around the bedroom, and it was fascinating.鈥�
Leave us with a message of hope.
鈥淚f you know somebody going through infertility, ask them what they need. There could be practical support; friends of ours showed up with barbecue one day and said, 鈥楬ey, we鈥檝e got dinner for you for three days.鈥� That鈥檚 practical support. There鈥檚 also emotional support, 鈥楬ow can I be there for you? How can I show you that I love you? That I鈥檓 here for you?鈥�
鈥淲ithin the couple dynamic, my research shows that the number one predictor of success in couple relationships for couples going through infertility is humility. So, in other words, just asking questions, being curious with each other, not shaping a narrative with each other, and holding emotions with care and with validation. Just saying, You know what, 鈥業 know you鈥檙e sad. I am, too. And I鈥檓 here with you.鈥欌��
____
produced and edited this interview for broadcast with . Griffiths adapted it for the web.
This article was originally published on
Copyright 2026 WBUR
